on dill.


Do most people like dill?

The first time I remember cooking dill I think I was making a healthy salmon recipe in what would be the first stretch of healthy eating longer than 3 days I had ever had. Like. Ever. Basically, I was on month two of no Taco Bell and zero grilled peanut butter and jellies at 10 pm at night.


I was addicted to Crunchwraps. Do you all know Crunchwraps? When I was picked to be on Real World DC, the producers sent me a mini camera and asked me to film my life for an audition tape. It was a mix of me doing a keg stand in a blue shiny cocktail dress at a frat party, riding my 250cc Kawasaki Ninja that I thought was the coolest thing in the fucking world, and walking around in the gym showing my “gym routine” which consisted of me talking about all the cheesecake (although being highly reactive to dairy) and all the Crunchwrap Supremes no tomato I felt guilty about eating which is why I spent so much time in the gym.


I was always a meathead. I loved the gym, i just had absolutely no idea how to use it. I would wear these grey t-shirts, cut off the sleeves, throw on my soccer shorts and a headband, and just go. Maybe I would start with running on the treadmill or the stairmaster. Sometimes I would pick a pair of dumbbells up if I was feeling brave and mimic what the guy last on the bench just did. I loved the leg press. Just loved it. Had no idea what I was doing or what weight to do, but it felt like a machine that made sense to me. Narrow. Wide. Calf raises. Narrow. Wide. Calf raises. 


I just loved the comfort of knowing I was doing something.


But this isn’t about finally using the gym to change my body not just be a distraction for my misery in my body. This is about dill.


 I was two months in to no Crunchwraps and I somehow got my hands on a recipe for some dill salmon. It was intimidating, I had no clue how to cook dill salmon, and since I don’t use recipes despite the fact that I had one, I used about 3 tablespoons of freshly chopped dill on 8 ounces of salmon before putting it into the oven.

I could never eat dill again.


Bradford got a job in California. It’s where I’ve been hibernating since the gym closed down for COVID-19. I ordered dinner off GrubHub from a place called Fuck Gluten the other night. I found it because I picked the “gluten-free” category. This is not just gluten free, people… this is gluten fucking free.

Can we just pause and talk about how I can’t believe there is a restaurant called Fuck Gluten. I don’t know if I’ve ever respected a restaurant more but also am so curious how people feel about that…

I’m an aggressive person. I feel positive about it. Does that mean they attract more aggressive people? Maybe gluten-free people are more aggressive? I mean… it’s not like we chose not to like gluten. I fucking love gluten. But gluten fucks me up, so fuck gluten. 


They have these buffalo cauliflower bites with a vegan ranch dressing. I am dairy free, not vegan, because I finally figured out I am highly reactive to dairy, and oh-my-goodness. With the spice and the flavor and this delicious creamy ranch that is dairy-free… it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. It made me love cauliflower, and it made me love DILL.


Ranch dressing has NAILED dill.


It nailed it so well, in a way that no one else has, that it became such a distinctive taste. And when it’s done poorly, it’s done so poorly. But when it’s done right…


You can make anyone fall back in love with dill. 





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